The Environment Changed

Hi everyone,

A quick and exciting announcement. I will be hosting a workshop at Surya Yoga in Phoenix on Sunday, April 12th, 1-3pm. You can sign up here.

Details: 

The Exhaustion of Trying to Fix Yourself: A Workshop On Wholeness, Identity, and A Different Way of Understanding Change

Many of us spend years trying to improve, heal, and become better versions of ourselves—yet the same patterns often keep appearing.

What if the problem isn’t that you haven’t worked hard enough on yourself?

This experiential workshop explores a different perspective on change, identity, and wholeness. Through teaching and guided reflection, we’ll explore how many of the patterns we struggle with began as adaptations, and what it might mean to step out of the constant pressure to fix ourselves.

I would love to see you there! 

Onto the post:

A couple of years ago, my husband and I went backpacking. We hiked a ridiculous number of miles in one day, and by the time we needed to set up camp, we were too tired to be picky.

We found a tiny, steep, rocky patch of dirt right next to a lake and pitched the tent. It was incredibly uncomfortable. I spent most of the night awake, sitting outside the tent in the dark.

We were far away from everything. No humans around. And there is something about being out in the middle of nowhere, in the dark, that puts you right in your place. Every snapped twig makes you jump.

I sat there feeling entirely unequipped for the environment I was in. I felt out of place. And then I realized how strange that was. I am a human being. I am an animal. And yet, I felt completely unprepared to handle the natural world.

I was thinking about this trip recently because it perfectly illustrates how adaptation actually works.

Human beings are mammals, and our most defining feature is our capacity to adapt to our environment. For most of human history, we adapted to weather, terrain, and the threat of other species.

But we don't live in the wild anymore. We live in single-family homes.

So what happens to that brilliant, inherent capacity for adaptation when the environment is no longer the forest, but the emotional weather of a household?

We adapt to that instead.

If the threat used to be a predator, the threat is now an explosive temper, or emotional absence, or the subtle tension of a caregiver who is overwhelmed. We shape ourselves around the interpersonal dynamics of the people we depend on for survival.

And we are incredibly good at it.

This week across the hub, we are talking about what happens when the environment changes, but your nervous system doesn't get the memo. We are talking about why the patterns you hate—the people-pleasing, the shutdown, the hypervigilance—are not evidence of damage. They are evidence of intelligence.

You don't need to fix your system. You just need to update it.

Here is what I have for you this week:

On the Podcast

[Why Your "Toxic Traits" Are Actually Just Outdated Adaptations]

In this week's episode, we break down the difference between adapting as a person and adapting into a person. We talk about why your childhood adaptations feel like skin instead of a coat, and how to actually update the software your nervous system is running.

On Substack

[You Didn't Adapt As a Person. You Adapted Into One.]

The standard self-help model says: If you just had a more attuned caregiver, you wouldn't be like this. That is false. A different environment wouldn't have produced a person without adaptations. It would have produced a person with different adaptations. 

The Books

If you want to go deeper into this work, these concepts are the foundation of my three books. They are designed to be read slowly and to dismantle the idea that you are broken and need fixing.

[The Process of Unbecoming: A Different Relationship to Being Human]

For when you are tired of the self-improvement treadmill and want to understand the architecture of how you became who you are.

[Already Human: Why the Culture of Self-Improvement Is Making Us Feel Broken]

For when you need to remember that your vulnerability and your protections are inherent capacities, not deficits.

[God Is A Dirty Word: A Cultural Reckoning With the God We Left Behind]

For the wilderness period, when the old framework has stopped working, but the new one hasn't formed yet.

The next time you feel yourself shutting down or managing the room, don't fight it. Just ask: What environment was this built for?

You are right here. You are right now.

Until next time,

Lacey