Relationships don’t deepen through perfect regulation

by Lacey K. Kelly

Feb 27, 2026

Earlier this week, I shared a new essay and podcast about something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately:

The difference between emotional maturity and emotional distance.

For a long time, I believed maturity meant staying calm all the time. Choosing the right words. Regulating before speaking. Not escalating. Communicating perfectly.

It looked responsible on the outside, but beneath the surface, it was often a form of containment. A kind of armor.

What I’m noticing more clearly now, both personally and in the therapy room, is that relationships don’t deepen through perfect regulation. They deepen through rupture and repair. Through moments where we are human with each other, and then come back.

The capacity to return matters more than the absence of conflict.

That’s what this week’s essay and podcast explore.

You can read or listen here:

Essay: Emotional Distance Is Not Emotional Maturity

Podcast: You Can't Therapy Yourself Out of Being Human

One of the ideas underneath this conversation is something central to my work:

Capacity is inherent.

We don’t build it by becoming perfectly regulated people. We access it by allowing ourselves to be human and then returning to connection.

If you’re newer here, I created a short free course that introduces the core orientation behind this work. The shift away from fixing yourself and toward recognizing the wholeness that’s already present.

You can access it here:

Take What Fits, Leave the Rest (free course)

It’s simple, spacious, and meant to be something you can move through at your own pace.

I’m really glad you’re here.

Until next time,

Lacey

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